Crush
by T.O. Bennett
Summary: This is the real reason Snape hates the Marauders and vice versa. The crushes that started it all.


Warning(s): One sided Snack, OOC, possible squick

Summary: This is the real reason Snape hates the Marauders (and vice versa). The crush(es) that started it all.

Genre: Humor/Lust (as opposed to "romance")

---------Crush---------

The Crush-er

Hello, my name is Sirius Black (perhaps you've heard of me?) and I am sexy. _Very_ sexy. I have a worldwide fanbase. I am smirking right now.

But this is not about my devil-may-care attitude or my dashing good looks (although they play a _smashing_ supporting role), nor is it about my wonderful sense of humor or charming smile or general availability. This is about a boy. An ugly, antisocial, evil boy who broke my heart (ah, there's the cliché. I knew it would be in here somewhere). Remus is rolling his eyes at me, but this isn't about him. It's never about him. Go back to your book, Remus. This is about Snape.

Severus Snape. For the first three years of my life at Hogwarts, I (grudgingly) admit to stalking him, but I swear that it was only for three years. Too long. Much, _much _too long. He was quiet and edgy in that dark and mysterious way that's…well, dark and mysterious.

His hair was greasy though. I hated that. It made me want to bodily drag him to the showers and scrub it until it fell out. Of course, that usually got me thinking about other things I'd like to scrub.

But I digress. So I stalked him, right? You might not think that it's a big deal, but, then again, you haven't seen me, either. I'm hot. Hot people aren't _supposed_ to like ugly, evil bastards…right? Of course, I didn't know he was _evil_ per se until he…well, not to put too fine a point on it, he…rejected me.

Shut up, Remus.

---------

The Crush-ee

My name is Severus Snape and I hate people. Having a crappy childhood will do that to you. But the person I hate the most (right after Voldemort and, on occasion, Dumbledore) is Sirius Black. He's a cocky, resilient little bugger.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate him because he's cocky…well, that's not the _only_ reason. I hate him because he's a creepy, evil bastard. Do you know he _stalked_ me in school! And then, when I made it _abundantly _clear that I was of the _hetero_-sexual variety, he tried to _KILL_ me!

Crazy bastard.

Now, for the comic relief. While Sirius Black was busy building shrines to me in broom cupboards (I am shuddering in absolute revulsion, by the way), I was spouting sonnets for the redheaded angel known as Lily Evens (now the late Lily Potter…).

She was my first (and only) friend and I will forever hate the memory of James Potter for marrying her. Can you _believe_ that prat had the audacity to save my life from the assassination plot of his stalking, sadistic, psychotic best friend!

Do you know how hard it is to hate the son of the woman you loved? (Well, actually it isn't so hard…Potter's have never been my favorite people.) Somehow I've managed. And, _yes_, I am _capable_ of love…I just don't _like_ anyone that much.

If I could sum all this up, it would be something like: Life is unmerciful.

---------

The Crush-ed

I am the ghost of Lily Evens and I would like to say two things. The first: I am _NOT_ James Potter's girl. That bastard got me drunk and tricked me into marrying him. The only reason I never left him is because of the prenup. I was unwilling to sell my soul to divorce him. The second: I am not Severus Snape's girl either. Just…ugh!

I _actually_ liked Remus Lupin, (How exactly _did_ James beat him out for Head Boy? Hmm…) but I think he was gay…or asexual. What was _up_ with him and Sirius!

Anyway, so yeah, I've got two admires/stalkers, a crush on an asexual boy, and an orphaned son who, periodically, has his life threatened by the same sadistic bastard that offed me!

Death isn't much better than life was.

---------

The Crush-less

Hi, I'm Potter. _James_ Potter. The original Hogwarts hottie. Yeah, I was pretty lucky in life…you know, until I died…Anyway, Gryffindor seeker, Lily's boyfriend, a Marauder, Lily's husband, Head Boy…the titles just keep on coming!

Oh, and did I mention that I have a son who is just like me! Yeah, Moony and Padfoot took him under their wing. He looks like me, he acts like me, he's into redheads the same way I was…oh Merlin…Harry's gonna die!

RUN, HARRY! AND STAY AWAY FROM SNAPE!

---------

The Un-Crush-able

I'm Peter Pettigrew and I have no friends. Well, that's not accurate. I _did_ have friends; five, to be exact. The Marauders and Lily…sort of…okay, maybe four.

But why doesn't anyone have a crush on me? I never would have turned evil if I had gotten laid in school!

I think.

---------

The Top of the Crush Chain

I'm Remus Lupin and I've no idea why I'm writing here. I have no crushes to speak of and I don't think I ever did.

Well, there was that one Ravenclaw in fourth year…oh, never mind.

Where was I? Oh yes, how _did_ James beat me out for Head Boy? That was _MY_ title, Dammit!

Okay, I'm back…lost it for a minute, but I'm back…but I need chocolate. Because I have a problem. Well, two problems, actually, but that's not important.

Why was Lily always giving me the eye in school? This question has been plaguing me for years and, perhaps, you can answer it for me.

Life is unmerciful.

And I'm all out of chocolate.

_--fin--_


End file.
